Post Nuke 'Bots Kinda Rule In ...

Robot Holocaust

(1986/USA)

‘‘The Dark One has consumed your father’’

The Post Nuke genre has provided great entertainment from many a low budget filmmaking auteur, particularly during the Eighties when the cycle of Mad Max (1979) clones was most prevalent, but with Robot Holocaust something far more devastating than a global disaster brought this to be !.

The opening credits have the traditional serious toned foreboding voiceover, post script the nuclear devastation, and telling of the age of the Mechanoids and the great robot rebellion of 2033. Earth is now known as New Terra, after the robots turned on their masters. The planet is governed by an unseen being known as The Dark One. This all powerful entity rules by enslaving the surviving human race by controlling the planets oxygen. His source is a structure known as the power station. Here the mighty mechanical machinery siphons the atmosphere and The Dark One’s robotic minions, aided by the still human supreme bitch Valaria, in order to rule over the populace. The enslaved people are known as Air Slaves, as they are kept in order by The Dark One’s constant threat of any and all being intoxicated by air restriction, and lethal exposure to New Terra’s true toxic environment.

From the ashes of the destruction, and from out of the wastelands comes Neo, a new champion of the people and a nemesis to The Dark One. Oh dear lord, if only the premise could deliver !. In all honesty the best, and truly only way to derive any pleasure from this shot in a few days, on the budget of the revenue from a car boot sale, is to buy into the fact that this is trying it’s best to actually pay homage to the Italian Post Nuke movies of the Eighties, ironically putting a spin on the fact that the European market at that time was of course cashing in on the far bigger budgeted Hollywood movies.

Any true lover of the Italian futuristic Sci-Fi, after the bomb type delights such as 2019: After The Fall Of New York (1983), The Bronx Warriors (1982), Bronx Warriors II: Escape From The Bronx (1983) and The New Barbarians (1982), will be able to recognise many elements of plagiarism. Mutant gangs and characters, along with costume and defiant swagger are noticeable, but truly only if you are an aficionado of the genre, anyone else is going to wonder what the heck is this dreck !. And to be fair, that would perfectly sum it all up.

For a general audience, without the benefit of having glorified in the delights of Post Nuke goodness Robot Holocaust is like a puerile futuristic variation of The Wizard Of Oz (1939) . Certainly the overall experience is a brainless mess, the movie lacks any real heart and it surely took all the courage of those involved on screen to ever show their faces at the screen actors guild again !. Up on the celluloid though is Nero, who along with his humanoid robot companion Klyton, unites with various futuristic misfits, including a barbarian she wolf Amazonian, a Tarzan look alike and a scientists daughter with the ability to breathe both pure and contaminated air unaided.

The band of misfits come together during Neo’s trek to the power station, and not with the purpose of seeking out Robert Palmer to sign him up for a record label deal with a couple of disenchanted members of Duran Duran at that time, as Neo and new metallic tag along buddy Kryton seek to bring down The Dark One !.

It is genuinely laugh out loud hysterical clearly recognising that the journey undertaken is through Central Park in Manhattan, New York. There isn’t really any great attempt to disguise this fact, but it is stupefying brilliant that director Tim Kincaid still rallies proceedings along with interjected action silliness, and designer disaster characters to at least create the illusion of delivering entertainment.

Inferred bog creatures, and pool creatures in the Central Park scenic ponds is creative only to the degree that the camera is kept low level to hide the obvious fact of where they are actually filming. Shooting at a restricted degree at these times is often through conveniently placed reeds and plants to create the illusion of futuristic foliage. At times it most definitely is cringe worthy stuff, but gorilla film making at its most desperate for sure.

There are a few Fun moments to be had, one of which is the scene in which Neo and followers first enter the underground tract in order to gain undetected access into the realm of The Dark One, in order to storm the power station. Here they are beset by sewage worms, bloodthirsty oversized blind slither critters that dwell within the walls of the sewer. Okay so they’re hand puppets, but use your imagination and role with it for cripes sake.

The overall tone and colour of the under ground segments show the movie in its best light, now let’s not get too excited, we are not talking Mario Bava here, but clearly the Roger Corman school of lighting, set decoration, and good use of what is naturally at hand, is to be fair, put to good use. Look out for an inferred big spider creature effect as the scientists daughter is ensnared within a web, only to be teasingly pawed by an off screen beastie shyly reaching out to our maiden in distress with a briefly seen wobbly hairy leg with a clawed foot !, The Giant Claw (1957) should be considered an Oscar winning feature on the back of this display !.

Robot Holocaust, likely to cash in on its piggy back European veneer, even carries the title of, I Robot Conquistano Il Mondo, cleverly slipping out onto Eighties VHS no doubt to return a modest sum very much in line with the Italian faux film Xeroxed clones of the time. Due accolade to the film makers on that score, exporting American garbage cleverly packaged back to Italy as if produced in Europe, but overall Robot Holocaust is without doubt a Post ApoCRAPalyptic disaster.

If you truly need to experience then seek it out on the MGM HD channel, as it at least cleans up very nicely, and those underground scenes do look fresh and vibrant in colour and hue with a high definition enhancement. The movie also runs out at sub eighty minutes. Be sure to disengage brain, and imbue yourself with plenty of to hand cold brews if deciding to still pursue the Post Nuke abomination that is Robot Holocaust.

Movie Rating: 3/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source The MGM HD Movie Channel

Robot Holocaust (1986)

Director Tim Kincaid
With Norris Culf, Nadine Hartstein,
J. Buzz Von Ornsteiner, Jennifer Delora,
Andrew Howarth, Angelika Jager,
Michael Downend & Rick Gianasi

Get Infected On ...

Dark Island

aka Infected

(2010/Canada)

‘‘If you’re receiving this message, Test Forty Eight did not go as planned’’

Insidious biological government experimentation is taking place on a remote island and all indigenous species are dead. Only a small unit of scientific researchers remains at the testing ground, but when all contact with them is lost another team of specialists is sent in to investigate. What they discover cannot be allowed to leave the island with them !.

Multi corporation Altracorp are developing a safe energy program with radical results via secret testing, outside of the USA governing practices, and well outside of ethical constraints. Development of a biological weapon, intended to aid mankind against the threat of global terrorism, in order to act as a deterrent against war. Just how far do you go though in order to create something so all powerful in order to stop something just as all consuming and devastating as that which it is intended to counteract !?.

 

Dr. Sophie Miller, a highly regarded toxicologist, joins an Altracorp reconnaissance and rescue team, suitably kitted up and destined for the secluded island. Their mission to determine what has happened to the original scientific team and to re-establish contact with Altracorp to relay back information as to the test results carried out.

The team is made up of three guys and two women, and immediately upon arrival at the beach of the island it is very clear that all is not well !. There is not a sound of any wildlife at all, and at the tree line of the dense tropical jungle is littered with dead birds. The flightless and lifeless organisms are saturated with a bizarre black treacle like substance, oozing from their carcasses.

The plot is standard fare but the Action is maintained throughout proceedings, and there are a few nice moments to keep an audience embroiled in this low budget horror. Fans of top TV show Lost will draw semblance from the foreboding presence of the evil entity that terrorises the human survivors. An all enveloping mass of black cloud like being possesses, eviscerates and re-manifests itself in order to take control of any living host. This tremendous force is a destructive living entity born out of human experimentation and in its unfettered form is free to do what it wants to !.

 

The team must gather important test data and formulate a counter agent against this malevolent entity in order to harness its force. A makeshift repellent gas gun keeps the aggressive formation at bay but does little against its intuitive ability to manipulate what is around it. There is an Evil Dead (1981) segment where the jungle tree vines attack the retreating Altracorp people, along with several splurges of blood letting to add to proceedings.

It’s up to the doctor to attain a direct sample of the black gloop living organism from a possessed living host in order to reverse engineer the substance and develop an antidote

With an evacuation swat team preparing to storm the island and retrieve whatever they can before destructively pulling the plug on the project time is running out for the few surviving. In the heart of the jungle at the main testing site a battle for supremacy plays out as an Altracorp insider strives to take control of the entity, whilst his rational counterpart fights to directly feed the antitoxin into the heart of the island to bring an end to the abomination.

There’s plenty of edge of the seat Action at closure and still enough time to deliver a reveal to turn events, leaving things up in the air with a suitably sinister twist.


Movie Rating: 6/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Region 1 NTSC DVD

Dark Island (2010)

Director Sam Gorski & Niko Pueringer
With Jai Koutrae, Zero Kazama, Mary Christina Brown,
Rob O’Brien, Eric Raymond Lim & Rodney Wiseman

The Undead Uprise In ...

La Horde

(2009/France)

‘‘Religion is just death insurance’’

Cops, criminals and an army of undying human carnivores square off in a Zombie Armageddon. Another flesh feast from France, and this one thunders along at a cracking bloody pace.

Seasoned cops treading a very fine line between call of duty, and traversing the same path taken by those they seek to bring to justice, seek to take violent revenge when one of their own is killed.

Attending the cemetery during the day to pay respects at the funeral, by night the resolute agents of the law turn vigilantes and seek vengeance upon a gang headed up by a notorious Nigerian villainous savant. The acquired intelligence on their targets leads them to a near derelict super high rise middle class residence. The building is empty apart from a few stubborn residents ignoring notices to quit, and the pocket of drugs and arms dealers headed up by the Nigerian named Adewale.

Storming the high rise for violent reprisal the cops more than meet their match in Adewale and his better organised men. Two are viciously killed and one is badly wounded as the diversity of weaponry at the gangs disposal is brutally displayed.

With the remainder of the cops, including one feisty female officer, at the mercy of the gang suddenly there is a cataclysmic turn of events that occurs outside. The surrounding city is turned into chaos as the night sky is turned into a pulsating pastel of explosions. An epidemic has broken out and is immediately affecting the populace. People are turning on each other and those that are killed within a few minutes return from the dead, imbued with an overpowering strength of adrenalin and a hunger for flesh.

Described by most as a Zombie movie, and in certain quarters criticised for its lack of character development and perceived as being without anyone to cheer for or get behind, it really is deserving of neither attribute. It’s intent is not to atypically compartmentalise but allow for a fallow dichotomy, empathic to a contemporary society. The film is a frenetic Action movie with the fast paced humans infected by an unknown contagion. The unexplained virus also reanimates the recent dead but at no time in the film does it show or imply that the rotting corpses of long deceased people are reviving.

La Horde is at its best enjoyed as a non Zombie film as the super enhanced manic delivery is far more striking and realistic buying into an outbreak of unknown origin. Watching the two diverse groups of gang and cops having to pull together in order to defend themselves against a far greater threat adds heightened believability to proceedings. There is a multitude of close quarter street fights where the anti hero’s have to use their hand to hand combat skills against the unyielding mutants. The results being some of the most intense pummelling witnessed on screen in a long time.

It is, however, incredible that each time a new ‘Zombie’ type take on the genre comes out how hapless the protagonists are in not working out that the only way to stop these monstrous manifestations is to shoot them in the head. It certainly adds to the deliriousness of the wanton deluge of blood and guts spillage as the infected are riddled with bullets in every other part of their bodies, but please, get serious, splatter the grey matter by blasting the damned things in the skull !.

The close proximity setting of floor after floor of corridors in the high rise make for some claustrophobic encounters, and the darkly lit environment more than adds to the effectiveness of this Action horror.

With their combined numbers dwindled down to just a handful the unified group meets up with a quirky old timer, survivor of a great war and a veteran stubborn enough to remain resident in the complex in his solitude from society. This old timer knows how to look after himself, and the groups first encounter with has them witness his ability with a long handled mighty pickaxe, repeatedly dispatched upon the flailing mutant beings with dissecting effectiveness. Looking a little like a more seasoned version of Hannibal Smith from The A Team, this guy definitely loves it when a bloody plan comes together.

With news of the contagious outbreak hitting the city, witnessed upon a weak signalled television set in the old mans apartment, Adawale and his beleaguered cohorts join with the veteran, making use of his apparent skills and knowledge of the complex, in order to exact a passage to the outside and a better chance of survival.

There is always an edge to proceedings with a volatile element of tenuous trust between all, and combined with the all too prevalent threat to them all this brilliantly enhances the realistic flavour of the movie.

Blood, guts, gore, guns, grenades and a joyously unbelievable Mexican stand off as one of the main lead cops squares off against a surging mass of flesh hungry ghouls, within the high rise parking facility, propels La Horde into crowd pleasing rapture.

Throw in a suitably down beat and bleak closure and this stands up there with some of the best implied ‘Zombie’ type films produced. This is without doubt an accomplished ghoulish Grenache of Gallic gruel to revel in.

Movie Rating: 7/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Pal Region 2 DVD

La Horde (2009)

Directors Yannick Dahan & Benjamin Rocher
With Claude Perron, Jean-Pierre Martins,Eriq Ebouaney,
Aurélien Recoing, Doudou Masta, Jo Prestia,
Antoine Oppenheim, Yves Pignot & Adam Pensawang

Deep'C' Movie Monster Mayhem

The Rig

(2010/USA)

‘‘It’s here for food, it likes to kill us’’

Deep sea oil rig, old school monster rampage, Roger Corman style ‘B’ movie schlock hits straight to rental and the late night channels with a worth checking out sticker that should tweak your interest.

When a team of oil drillers rupture the oceans bed, a purple gas emits, and something the size of pop prancing Prince is set free. A fleeting glimpse of a fast moving unidentifiable ‘thing’ gives the briefest of chills, spewed out of its icy sea lair, free to feed in a larger pool !.

Topside a bad storm is brewing and in line with company protocol all non essential crew get air lifted off the rig, back to shore until things settle back down to normal. Something altogether else, however, comes onto the rig, up out of the ocean, despite the rampaging storm. The forecast ahead for the remaining crew looks bleak !.

The familiar hard edged features of movie regular William Forsythe heads up the rig. His on screen daughter Carey is one of the essential rig members that stays behind, and along with her fellow crew member, and love interest Dobbs, they with a handful of others must fight off the elements and a far more ferocious cousin of The Creature From The Black Lagoon (1954).

Surreptitiously slipping onto the rig, and furtively fillet of fish slitting through the crew like a Freddy Krueger killing machine amp’d up on Omega 3. It’s all thrills, gills and kills as this three quarter sized humanoid amphibian fish creature sticks to the shadows of the rigs lower level dwellings, revealing itself at the last moment before striking with lethal efficiency. Some pretty gory moments are on display, from bone displaying neck breaking, colourfully spiced up with an arterial spurting of blood sauce, to gut wrenching full on intestinal spillage. This light framed, black skinned, tough scaled sea humanoid is a butchers knife on legs and it knows how to prime cut and flay !.

It’s all hands on deck in order to survive, and the handful of crew left still alive must pull together, grab anything that resembles a weapon, and use their combined wits in order to fight back. With communications to the mainland down due to the storm, they have to somehow get through the bad weather and pray that daylight comes to them before their darkest fear confronts them first !.

The sub mariner species has found itself a new prey and source of nutrition, and the rig is like a human sushi restaurant to it. This human species is however sentient, and armed with steel pipes, harpoon and an old military issue hand gun this is one form of designated food stock that repeats on its potential consumer.

The Rig may not provide anything particularly new in the don’t mess with nature, monster unleashed sea of creature features, but for old style ‘B’ movie fishy Fun its in a school that more than a few will favourably fathom.

Movie Rating: 5/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Region 1 NTSC DVD

The Rig (2010)

Director Peter Atencio
With William Forsythe, Serah D’Laine,
Scott Martin, Carmen Perez, Dennis LaValle,
Marcus T. Paulk, Dan Benson & Art LaFleur

Luke Goss Vamps It Up In ...

The Dead Undead

(2010/USA)

‘‘Relax Honey, we’re the good guys’’



Modern day vampires, suckling off a civilised restricted diet of animal blood, become infected with a 21^st century contamination equivalent of mad cows disease. The super fast degenerative affect turns them into Vamped up versions of excommunicated bad boy sprinter Ben Johnson, and Zack Snyder’s take on George A. Romero’s living dead. Amped up, running speed Zombie Vampires with a sadistic involuntary urge to feast on anything that lives, including their alter Vampire brethren. They become referred to as ZV’S … Zombie Vampires !.

Former pop boy band singer Luke Goss heads up an elite group of counter ZV commandos to stem the contamination, and contain the Zombie Vampire outbreak in a rural area, in order to stop the infestation of psycho blood suckers reaching the mass populated cities of America and beyond !.

Goss plays Jack, a seasoned vet trained in the art of weapons and warfare, one of the very best at what he does. He should be though, as he has had centuries to hone his skills. Jack is himself a Vampire !. One of the pioneers of living the new way, integrating with regular human society, and through the decades giving others the opportunity to follow. At the most desperate of times, and most prevalently at the juncture of deaths door, upon the field of battle, he appears to offer life … after death !. Those with a valiant code of honour rise once more to stand at Jack’s side, and continue the good battle against the evils of the new world.

The movie begins pretty much throwing its cast, and viewing audience, right into the thick end of a war of Vampires vs. Vampires. Five early twenty something friends, made up of three girls and two guys, are beginning their vacation, and on route hit car trouble on the back road of sparse-ville USA. With night time closing in on them they seek refuge in a seemingly deserted motel. As darkness envelopes outside the five friends soon realise that they are not alone. A room at this remote motel seems to endorse dead and breakfast !.

Creatures of the night befall upon the terrified young folk as they are forced to defend themselves against monstrosities hungering for their flesh and blood. Help arrives in the form of Jack and his small unit of ageless commandos, each honed in fighting skills born out through the passages of time. Nothing speaks the universal language of finality better than the modern dispatchers of ill doers than guns and swords. Jack and his timeless team have plenty of both, and the seasoned ability to deliver lethal strikes from all quarters. Torn from the vaunted valleys of Valhalla are star crossed Viking lovers Aries and Gabrielle, along with a Vietnam war veteran and a vengeance taking six shooter from the Old West. All are part of Jack’s flock of second chance souls, reborn to continue the fight against the dark denizens of the Earth.

The Action spurts forth as regular as the copious amounts of blood letting as the five friends are all but killed. A feisty female survives this night time ordeal, along with another male traveller, separated from his wife during another attack by the miscreants of the night. They hook up with Jack and his band of buccaneers to continue the fight against the pernicious blood suckers, in spite of the revelation of what their saviours truly are themselves !.

It’s good to get embroiled here, as a viewer, with The Dead Undead, and refreshing to get swept up in the silliness of yet another take of the Zombie / Dead lore. You can’t help but raise eyebrows, and develop a grin of delirious dumbfoundedness, at the audaciousness of the writer / director team of Edward Conna and Matthew R. Anderson as they serve up their own take on the tried and tested necessities in despatching the living dead. Here The Dead Undead scripture is clear, destroy the brain completely, sever the spinal cord, or expose to direct sunlight in order to kill.

Anyone carry about an industrial sized microwave to save on the physical stuff !?.

Look out for a never too late very welcome cameo from Vernon Wells as an old school get the job done vampire storm trooper with a swagger. He brings added blood to this ‘vein’ attraction, and his welcomed reunion with Jack leaves the casket open for a fun sequel should The Dead Undead live up to patron expectation.

The plague of the ZV’S becomes a real cause of threat to the territories outside of the localised canyon that the good vampires fight to contain and even Jack needs help. His trusting earlier saved female cohort recognises that he requires a blood boost to invigorate his system, and restore him to his true mantle of a super vampire. The danger of even for a moment turning back to the ways of his violent past is something that she has not had time to fully appreciate, and by his own self imposed restraint Jack would not knowingly resort to !.

Prepare for a fang filled finale as Jack discovers the ZV’S main lair and the legions of the un-dead come for him, and those that still stand by his side. It’s time for the likeably cool hand Luke Goss to call on his Bros one more time, and to belt out a mighty hit that sets the Cat Amongst The Pigeons.



Movie Rating: 6/10

Review Paul Cooke

The Dead Undead (2010)

Director Matthew R. Anderson & Edward Conna
With Luke Goss, Laura Kenley,
Joshua Alba, Matthew R. Anderson, Cameron Goodman,
Lance Frank, Luke LaFontaine,
Brandon Molale, Spice Williams-Crosby,
Vernon Wells & Forrest J. Ackerman

Danny Trejo Is ... Machete

Machete

(2010/USA)

‘‘God has mercy, I don’t’’

Holy F***king sweet ass snorting nose candy cinema. Sell your sisters chastity and prepare to wet wipe as Robert Rodriguez pump actions out a contemporary Grind House great. A seminal flagellation of film that constantly pops you in the eye, and deep throat chokes you harder than Linda Lovelace poetry. This mighty mutha gargles on its own gag reflex before expunging its wonderful excesses up upon the screen, like a celluloid seraphim dancing its heavenly decadence across your retinas, with stilettos dipped in liquid ephemeral, deftly delivering its corporeal viewing high.

Political correctness hitches the same ride down the can that Robert De Niro deposits his dignity, with a sanguine sphincter suppository that leaves its mark splattered upon the windscreen of the world. Goggle up and gaggle down on this rampant rollercoaster of bad assed goodness, hard rated ‘RR’ for Rodriguez Rules !.

Danny Trejo stars in the lead role he was born to play as the Mexican one man militia, Machete. A former border police officer living day to day on the fringe of society, mixing it with the regular Joe’s, all the while searching out an opportunity to avenge the brutal murder of his wife at the hands of super bad guy kingpin Torrez. This is no ordinary kingpin mind you, its freakin’ Steven Seagal, back on the big screen for the first time in eons and strutting his man mass like a pimp-tastic pro. He’s picked the wrong guy to piss off though in Machete, his name is his calling card and his trade is taking out the human trash.

Machete’s path of destiny crosses with that of Torrez when Jeff Fahey’s bent businessman Booth hires him as a shooter to kill Robert De Niro’s corrupt senator McLaughlin. All is not as straightforward in picking up a $150,000 cash payment as job done for Machete however, and the die is set for one of the most awesome casts ever pulled together in a mainstream ‘B’ movie to tear up the screen like never before.

Everyone literally bleeds for Director Rodriguez as Machete trail blazes a path of wanton violent vengeance, in a ferocious frenzy of delirious bodily dismemberment and outlandishly over the top explosive Action.
 

Rodriguez amply trades up from his earlier screen successes El Mariachi (1992) Desperado (1995), and imbues the Grind House grunt film style, resurrected in Planet Terror (2007), to expand upon his then faux trailer for Machete, in bringing his creation to life. Audaciously he brings the delectable Miss. Jessica Alba out of her regular comfort zone, into a world where she digs in her heels and struts her fine form as a sexy immigration officer. Blessed with a bodilicious form and those luscious lips she carves out a performance that cuts the cutesy for ballsy, yet still manages to lift more than Machetes spirit when called upon.

The babe juice free flows from the fountain of this Grind House goodness, and none more so than the man neutering naughty that is Michelle Rodriguez, co-starring as Luz who shines like a beacon of justness for the Mexican people, standing upright as the urban legend, She. Embroiled in the fight against senator McLaughlin and his lackeys, including a finely grizzled embodiment of bigotry from Don Johnson as Lt. Von Jackson, Luz gets to give a fan favoured wink to the dispenser of due justice from They Call Her One Eye (1974). The movie is in no way devoid of dark, wry humour either as a binge drinking, drug taking internet fame seeking daddy’s girl April, is poignantly played by a vapid Lindsay Lohan, who comes to life when she finds faith and fights for the lord in the guise of a gun totting nun. Inspired most likely by another Grind House classic, Angel Of Vengeance (1981).

Fans of the Grind House style and followers of Blaxploitation, Nunsploitation, Filipino flambé and Mexican mishmash movie mayhem rejoice, as the nachos are crisped to perfection, and Robert Rodriguez lavishes upon them a red pepper relish to die for.

Danny Trejo is in supreme form as Machete, and he dishes payback out with a hand held holocaust of brutality that cuts to the quick. Limbs are lopped and heads are severed with regular abandonment to any censorship concerns, and a hell yea thank you Lord, care of a cult cameo by Cheech Marin as a padre with a weapons cadre, in a church where the pews become bathed in the blood of all anti acolytes. Confess to Cheech and you can’t go Chong !.

Machete cuts a scintillating swathe from its blood drenched opening to its Action packed round house battle royal finale. Trejo’s machete versus Seagal’s katana comes to be, and the bodacious babes get to bang down the remaining bad boys in a galvanised gauntlet of ball breaking brutality. It’s a groovy grind to put smiles on faces and bums in seats, as Machete leaves its memorable mark.

A mighty Mexican wave of appreciation to Robert Rodriquez, Danny Trejo and all involved, and here’s hoping that Machete does indeed return in sequel form sometime soon.



Movie Rating: 8/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Cinema

Machete (2010)

Director Robert Rodriguez
With Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez,
Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Tom Savini,
Lindsay Lohan, Robert De Niro & Steven Seagal

Collectors Item

The Collector

(2009/USA)

‘‘He collects people !’’

A professional burglar, desperately trying to start a new life for himself, has to trade tricks for a past underground criminal fixer in order to help his estranged wife and daughter. The mother of his sweet young child owes money to a loan shark, and the debt is about to be called in, one way or another. In order to spare them from harm, Arkin must undertake a big paying job to settle his wife’s debt. Working as a repair man at a large family home, he has cased the property, and knows that the owner has a large gemstone of some value locked within his safe.

Arkin’s last day on the job, along with a team of pest control exterminators, is also the day that the family are preparing to be away for a while. With his wife’s debt due to be called in Arkin has until midnight to revert back to his previous profession as a burglar, and purloin the precious gem in order to collect a forty percent cash reward, fencing it to his bullish fixer. A simple plan, simply executed for a highly skilled burglar not long out of the full time criminal game. That night, upon his return to what he believes is an empty house, is one that no one could ever prepare for … no one could … no one but ... The Collector !.
 

Hostel (2005) in a house is unleashed upon the home owner, his wife, teenage daughter and youngest daughter by a mysterious man. His face hidden behind a tight fitting mask, reminiscent of a Mexican wrestlers, hand tied and taught behind the skull. Whatever machinations are afoot are soon very apparent as Arkin is caught up in a myriad of deadly traps, designed not to keep intruders out, but victims inside !. The masked marauder is oblivious to his unseen nemesis, as he sets about torturing the occupants of the house, clearly stopped from going on their intended trip. What follows is a night of torture and quite gruesome flesh flailing. Not an iota of scene spoiling CGI fake blood is on display here, just free flowing icky ooziness of the el vino variety.
Arkin is caught between helping the family and saving his own life, as escaping from the trap laden home proves to be nigh on impossible. All manner of body puncturing implements lace the very fabric of the house interior, from floor to ceiling. Fine wire intricately threads between a door frame, virtually unnoticeable in the dark environment, upturned nails line the steps upon the hallway stairs, set bear traps adorn the living room floor, razor blades imbed the boarded up windows, as painfully discovered early on by Arkin as he attempts to flee with the valuable item he came for. A clue to this pernicious perpetrators ideology is uncovered in the closet of the master bedroom, where Arkin seeks momentary refuge, as a large hinged box reveals its contents of a bloodied and beaten man. The petrified man is barely conscious or legible, but he warns that the intruder is a collector … of people !?.
 

Arkin cannot allow the man to be free of his confine for fear of alerting the intruder of his own presence, and so seals him back within the box’s containment. With the cries of pain, and the screams of terror, from the owners of the house ringing out through the connecting cavity vents, Arkin asses his position and looks for a way to help them, and find a way out !. The inventiveness of the intruders cruelty takes no prisoners as the family pet cat discovers to its pitiful demise. An upstairs bedroom floor layered with a caustic glue substance eats away at the hapless creatures fur, burning its way into its skin. The pussy cats ultimate end though comes when Arkin desperately strives to free it from its undoubted death knell, only to propel the startled animal into a window that is booby trapped as a guillotine. Animal welfare activists will doubtlessly re-watch this scene over and over again and seek proof positive that no actual harm came to this poor unfortunate cat, as the degree of realism here is pretty darned startling !.

The torrent of nastiness continues unabated as the teenage daughter returns home with lustful boyfriend, who is soon introduced to the intruder and says hello to his little friends the bear traps !. One minute the boyfriend is fondling his girls ample breasts, and the next he snaffled himself by bone snapping implements even more highly sensitive to touch. This is indeed grisly stuff !.

Arkin is desperate to save at least the young girl of the family, having witnessed the demise of the others, and somehow catch the intruder up within one of his own traps. It’s cat and mouse as the intruder is now fully aware of his unexpected competitor, and the knives are out, literally !.
 

To pull off a ninety minute violent thriller with the construct of a fairly basic premise with such extraordinary aplomb here is incredible. The pace of the movie never flounders, and the motif behind the masked intruders maniacal onslaught is intriguingly withheld right up to the cataclysmic conclusion. A modern incarnation of a new movie ‘monster’ is perhaps born with The Collector. A nigh on unstoppable force of evil intent, yet certainly not super human, but with an agenda that is tantalisingly linked only by his calling card of a person held within a restraining box.
The Collector is a brutal barrage to the senses, yet invasively hypnotic as its carnage spews out the intent to shock but also to intrigue. You, like Arkin want, nay need, to know who this guy is, and why he is doing what he does. Is he a cold hearted evil psychopath, or an exacting architect of retribution !?. There are questions to be answered come closure, not that the viewer is left deflated in any way at all, indeed there is but anticipation of a continuation to this story, as The Collector closes another of his containment boxes shut upon its occupant !.

Movie Rating: 7/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Region 1 NTSC DVD

The Collector (2009)
Director Marcus Dunstan
With Josh Stewart, Juan Fernández, Madeline Zima,
Andrea Roth & Robert Wisdom