‘‘God has mercy, I don’t’’
Holy F***king sweet ass snorting nose candy cinema. Sell your sisters chastity and prepare to wet wipe as Robert Rodriguez pump actions out a contemporary Grind House great. A seminal flagellation of film that constantly pops you in the eye, and deep throat chokes you harder than Linda Lovelace poetry. This mighty mutha gargles on its own gag reflex before expunging its wonderful excesses up upon the screen, like a celluloid seraphim dancing its heavenly decadence across your retinas, with stilettos dipped in liquid ephemeral, deftly delivering its corporeal viewing high.
Political correctness hitches the same ride down the can that Robert De Niro deposits his dignity, with a sanguine sphincter suppository that leaves its mark splattered upon the windscreen of the world. Goggle up and gaggle down on this rampant rollercoaster of bad assed goodness, hard rated ‘RR’ for Rodriguez Rules !.
Danny Trejo stars in the lead role he was born to play as the Mexican one man militia, Machete. A former border police officer living day to day on the fringe of society, mixing it with the regular Joe’s, all the while searching out an opportunity to avenge the brutal murder of his wife at the hands of super bad guy kingpin Torrez. This is no ordinary kingpin mind you, its freakin’ Steven Seagal, back on the big screen for the first time in eons and strutting his man mass like a pimp-tastic pro. He’s picked the wrong guy to piss off though in Machete, his name is his calling card and his trade is taking out the human trash.
Machete’s path of destiny crosses with that of Torrez when Jeff Fahey’s bent businessman Booth hires him as a shooter to kill Robert De Niro’s corrupt senator McLaughlin. All is not as straightforward in picking up a $150,000 cash payment as job done for Machete however, and the die is set for one of the most awesome casts ever pulled together in a mainstream ‘B’ movie to tear up the screen like never before.
Everyone literally bleeds for Director Rodriguez as Machete trail blazes a path of wanton violent vengeance, in a ferocious frenzy of delirious bodily dismemberment and outlandishly over the top explosive Action.
Rodriguez amply trades up from his earlier screen successes El Mariachi (1992) Desperado (1995), and imbues the Grind House grunt film style, resurrected in Planet Terror (2007), to expand upon his then faux trailer for Machete, in bringing his creation to life. Audaciously he brings the delectable Miss. Jessica Alba out of her regular comfort zone, into a world where she digs in her heels and struts her fine form as a sexy immigration officer. Blessed with a bodilicious form and those luscious lips she carves out a performance that cuts the cutesy for ballsy, yet still manages to lift more than Machetes spirit when called upon.
The babe juice free flows from the fountain of this Grind House goodness, and none more so than the man neutering naughty that is Michelle Rodriguez, co-starring as Luz who shines like a beacon of justness for the Mexican people, standing upright as the urban legend, She. Embroiled in the fight against senator McLaughlin and his lackeys, including a finely grizzled embodiment of bigotry from Don Johnson as Lt. Von Jackson, Luz gets to give a fan favoured wink to the dispenser of due justice from They Call Her One Eye (1974). The movie is in no way devoid of dark, wry humour either as a binge drinking, drug taking internet fame seeking daddy’s girl April, is poignantly played by a vapid Lindsay Lohan, who comes to life when she finds faith and fights for the lord in the guise of a gun totting nun. Inspired most likely by another Grind House classic, Angel Of Vengeance (1981).
Fans of the Grind House style and followers of Blaxploitation, Nunsploitation, Filipino flambé and Mexican mishmash movie mayhem rejoice, as the nachos are crisped to perfection, and Robert Rodriguez lavishes upon them a red pepper relish to die for.
Danny Trejo is in supreme form as Machete, and he dishes payback out with a hand held holocaust of brutality that cuts to the quick. Limbs are lopped and heads are severed with regular abandonment to any censorship concerns, and a hell yea thank you Lord, care of a cult cameo by Cheech Marin as a padre with a weapons cadre, in a church where the pews become bathed in the blood of all anti acolytes. Confess to Cheech and you can’t go Chong !.
Machete cuts a scintillating swathe from its blood drenched opening to its Action packed round house battle royal finale. Trejo’s machete versus Seagal’s katana comes to be, and the bodacious babes get to bang down the remaining bad boys in a galvanised gauntlet of ball breaking brutality. It’s a groovy grind to put smiles on faces and bums in seats, as Machete leaves its memorable mark.
A mighty Mexican wave of appreciation to Robert Rodriquez, Danny Trejo and all involved, and here’s hoping that Machete does indeed return in sequel form sometime soon.
Movie Rating: 8/10
Review Paul Cooke / Source Cinema
Director Robert Rodriguez
With Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez,
Jeff Fahey, Cheech Marin, Don Johnson, Tom Savini,
Lindsay Lohan, Robert De Niro & Steven Seagal