Room At The Asylum For ...

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's

Sherlock Holmes

(2010 / USA)

‘‘Come Watson, the game’s afoot’’

Like a Dickensian dandy The Asylum draft Sherlock Holmes to the faux film fray. With a pocket bursting bursary to match that of it’s blockbuster cousins rider list for Guy Ritchie’s Hollywood puckering chafe sticks. Star Ben Syder, as Holmes, is unknown of up against the superlative Robert Downey Junior, but in this adventure he at least gets to wield a sword up against an iron man !. A stark Marvel to behold in a comic book pulp digestible way.

The Asylum step into the world of a literary character giant wearing boots rather than fine leather shoes, but as sole proprietors of cinemas current cash in cobblers they lace proceedings with a filmic frippery bow. Dodgy opening effects that make CGI seem like real life set the opening scene for London, England during the war torn blitz, December 29^th 1940. An elderly, and wheel chair bound, Dr. John Watson, recalls to his personal home nurse a tale of some very strange occurrences. An untold adventure with his dear friend Sherlock Holmes, to now be chronicled as the greatest, and least known achievement of Sherlock Holmes, ever to be kept from the public.

Release the Kraken !. May 19^th 1882 amidst the English channel traverses a vessel of the realm, a treasury ship with a bounty that even a good Christian would mutiny over. It is not however a wayward crew, nor an over whelming sea that besets this craft this day, but a mighty octopus risen up from the very depths of the ocean. It’s all tentacles on deck as the sea creature tears into the ship, grabbing at sea fairing sailors like plucking wayward wisps from an untrimmed lady garden.

A bumptious Sherlock Holmes and grumpy Dr. Watson are called upon by Inspector LeStrade to assist with an investigation into this strange occurrence, and indeed other equally bizarre events in the vicinity. London’s Whitechapel is the scene of several sightings and carnivorous encounters with a beast not heard of in millions of years !?.

Sixpence for a good time prostitute gets you a mini T-Rex, value for money if euphemistically interpreted, but when proven to be a full on teeth and claws chew down there are better ways to fritter frustrations. This unwelcome flesh fumble leads to a Jurassic ‘pork’ !.

With improbable monsters and ingenious foul play at work the Sherlock shenanigans pep up proceedings to keep the movie enjoyable enough throughout its entirety. Dominic Keating, lieutenant Malcolm Reed from TV’s Star Trek: Enterprise, plays Holmes nemesis here, as the nimbly named Spring-Heeled Jack. His connection to Holmes is not hard to deduce, nor is the convoluted plot to bring down the monarchy and strike back at a country that Spring-Heeled Jack holds responsible for his paralysis whilst fighting for its cause. Only a specially designed synthetic suit affords Jack mobility. His ingenuity with mechanics is applied with malintent, and for the purpose of insurrection. By mechanised means the megalomaniacal miscreant sets about bombing Buckingham Palace with the intent of killing the Queen.

As ever The Asylum’s movie making studio house set about with well meant intent at producing a low budget entertainment package for a general audience. To this end they have again delivered on their good intent, as Sherlock Holmes is inoffensive silliness triggered to fire its ware with a true aim at its target demographic. A home rental market, low lay out investment, for a rewarding enough dividend on time invested on ninety minutes detachment from the daily rigours of the real word. To this extent The Asylum, with Sherlock Holmes, delivers pretty good value for money.

What works very well is the on screen relationship between Holmes and Watson. Ben Syder is extremely well cast as Sherlock Holmes, in what appears to be his first on screen role. Alongside Gareth David-Lloyd, hardly recognisable from his clean cut sartorial suave as Ianto Jones, from the BBC TV show Torchwood, the two are commendably selected choices for the iconic pairing. The texture of the film is also noteworthy as it has an aged look that adds authenticity to the period in which the movie takes place. Almost a brown hue that is associated with those decades old family photographs from yesteryear.

In maximising viewing enjoyment it should be pointed out that a forgiveness of the vast majority of the low tech special effects is best prepared for in advance. What does work particularly well, however, is the scene engulfing excesses of the giant mechanised winged dragon. Its airborne assault upon the city of London, spewing flames forth from its steel set jaw, is a highlight. Witnessing Sherlock Holmes stalk it down giving chase in a hot air balloon, replete with an implemented machine gun, is the stuff of schlock silliness and laudable lampoonery long after viewing.

It is quite elementary to deduce which of the two Sherlock Holmes movies will rake in the big bucks at the box office, but if you still haven’t a clue then you’d be as mad as a Baskerville not to investigate The Asylum’s infectious little fun filler.

Movie Rating 5/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Region 1 NTSC DVD

Sherlock Holmes (2010)
Director Rachel Goldenberg
With Ben Syder, Gareth David-Lloyd, Dominic Keating,
William Huw & Elizabeth Arends

Project UFO: The Phillip J. Roth Files

Total Reality

(1997 / USA)

With comin’ at cha opening credits, expanding front of screen like 3D images from the deepest part of space, Total Reality kicks in with an arsenal of expansive CGI to please any Sci Fi fan. Darth Vader could be the puppeteer of the visually expansive space battle as a dogfight ensues in pursuit of boarding a large colony craft. The battle is set two hundred years into the future as Human kind exists in space as planet Earth lies abandoned on the fringe of the solar system, a vacuous burnt out shell following nuclear global destruction.

This future timeline is built upon the military political structure known as The Bridgists movement. A Twentieth century ideology based upon the writings of a man called Bridges, a founder for the belief in the need for total harmonious control. The interpretations of his scripture lead to near elimination of personal freedom with the development of Bio Trackers, neck implants that act as human regulatory control junctures, and the affirmation for an underground movement against such radical enforcement was then formed. The rebellion against the Bridgist rule became a long and devastating one with a future war that would end in thirty billion casualties, culminating in the destruction of all life on Earth. With the Bridgist era enveloping its community into space only a few staunch activists against the rule remain.

A renegade band of men desperate to find a way back to the future Earth of 1998 launch a solitary craft from the colony ship. The two manned ship contains Commander Tunis and Colonel Norris from the military faction, determined to break free of this time and change the future back in the past. The daring race for freedom does not go unchallenged as governmental military assault teams storm the main hold with a frantic exchange of energy emitting weaponry. Team leader Lieutenant Anthony Rand, star David Bradley, fights for the Bridgist govern but is a free willed man with a conscience as well as a code of honour. As the fleeing radicals elude his capture he is ordered to withdraw from the colony class craft and directly instructed to destroy the ship, desperately escaping families and all !. Rand defies orders and kills his commanding officer in order to save as many lives as possible and in so doing is sent to a space penal colony with a sentence of death !.

Prison station Ganymede isn’t just a place of hard time it’s considered Final Time !. Ran, along with three fellow convicted war hero officers and soldiers all pushed too far by the system , is selected for a mission to retrieve both Tunis and Norris just tracked by their neck emitters back to Earth’s past. They have a forty hour window of opportunity to locate and bring back the two men to stand trial for future crimes to be committed in the past. There is no easy out for the chosen four as non compliance means immediate enactment of their conclusive sentences, whilst any attempt to remain on Earth will result in an explosive charge in their Bio Trackers being primed. Their future too lies in the past but is the cause they are fighting for worth dying for and are the men they seek to eliminate truly the enemy !?.


The second half of this exciting and intelligently scripted science fiction Action Adventure flick, from the creative imagination of combined Writer / Director / Producer Phillip J. Roth, takes a futuristic step back into modern day times as the chosen quartet have to immediately acclimatise to a world they have only ever heard stories about. Coming to terms with ‘Old’ technology with the assistance of some future gadgetry makes for a couple of moments of welcome amusement. This second segment pretty much starts with an attention grabbing impact as the first with a large detached house exploding in truly awesome style, followed soon after by an impressive car explosion. Rand and team immediately engage Tunis and Norris in a close quarter gun fight that puts the two protagonists on the scent of Bridgist founder John Bridges, and Rand’s unit in at the scene touch with his feisty ex-wife Cathy. The entire sequence here is a very well stage Action showcase that even gives David Bradley the first of two opportunities to display his deft ability to dive through glass windows as if it were an Olympic event. This Mark Spitz of Action cinema takes to the lead man role like a duck to water and tagged up with his newfound love interest, as played by the attractively determined Ely Pouget, he and Cathy strive to change a chapter in mankind’s future before ‘The Universal Being’ is a best selling tome of tyranny.

This is the thinking persons Sci Fi with a real message etched into its finely tuned story telling frequency for the need to be free minded, yet ever mindful of the freedom we still have … but is this future a Total Reality !?.

Movie Rating: 6/10

Review by Paul Cooke / Source Region 1 NTSC DVD

Total Reality (1997)

Director: Phillip J. Roth

With: David Bradley, Ely Pouget, Thomas Kretschmann,

Misa Koprova & Ken Olandt

Filipino Jungle Fare

Death Raiders

(1984 / Philippines)

‘‘For those who disobey, punishment. That is the way it is !’’

Rebellious Filipino jungle war fare in which a governor and his two daughters are taken hostage. An explosive opening montage of stock footage and pretty well staged pyrotechnics open proceedings on a high. Jungle combat dominates the screen with a glut of gun power and explosive grenade pitching. Watch towers explode, and a bridge is obliterated, as the Filipino national military corps take on the rebels in an ongoing plight for democracy.

The governor of the province has his home invaded by the rebels whilst holding a private function. Along with his two adult daughters the governor is forcibly taken away and delivered before the rebel force leader. Held to ransom for the Filipino government to concede to their demands, it is up to the military forces to initiate a counter strike in order to safely retrieve those abducted. Time to call up the Death Raiders !.

The military big wigs assign a special rescue team, a unit of crack commandos called the Death Raiders. Given two weeks in order to seek out and rescue the governor and daughters before the rebels designated demands deadline comes to be.

Death Raiders is not the greatest example of low budget ‘B’ movie jungle goodness produced in the Philippines, and indeed for the greater part is a flaccid affair. There is neither a great bad guy to goad, nor any particular good guy to steal the show. The movie goes about its business pretty much by the numbers, plodding through a basic plot until its inevitable climax. There are though enough moments of explosive Action and hand to hand combat scenes to see the viewer through the entirety, if only to leave a feeling of being left under whelmed. It’s a one time drink from the trough for this pony, but the sub stallion ride isn’t completely without its giddy up moments.

Throwing the members of the Death Raiders together again serves up some fun as each of the main players gets his own moment of introduction. A minor play on the bringing together of The Magnificent Seven (1960). Tough guy Ray busts some nifty kung fu moves at a disco, as a local thug with his lackey’s foolishly pick a fight. Freddie sends a low life man handler, holding a young woman at gun point, to his final resting place as he acrobatically leaps through the air, deftly delivering a bullet directly to the forehead of the scumbag.

As the team of specialist comes together there is also a rewarding full on fist fight, and more martial arts mastery played out in a whorehouse, as Ray and Freddie help out their buddy Elmer rescue his girlfriend from a prostitution racket.

Proceedings are often peppered with Action scene moments akin to the old Harold Lloyd silent movie styled set up sequences. Well done, but somewhat odd in what is a movie portraying itself as a tough Actioner !?.

Following a fast track training camp, to make sure that the teams working parts are well tuned and their mental application is readjusted, the Death Raiders are back in tandem.

The team is helicopter parachute dropped into the general region of rebel activism within the Filipino jungle with orders to retrieve the governor and his two daughters with all due prejudice to any aggressors.

Arriving under cover of night the commandos soon uncover and surreptitiously sneak into the rebel leaders camp. They take out the perimeter guards using knives to keep things quiet, and bust a few heads with the butts of their guns for any others in their path. The alarm is inevitably raised though and it soon becomes open season, with guns and grenades fuelling a fight for freedom.

With an unexpected assist from within the rebel ranks, Ray and Freddie, along with their fellow Death Raiders, round up the governor and his daughters, and make an immediate play to escape the enemy. It’s a frenzied fight to the finish line here on in as the rebel leader rounds up his own troops to stop the commando corps. Some furtively futile sequences of stupidity ensue as the audience is treated to formation death tolls, dutifully dollied up by rebels lining up in bunches of three to fives for some synchronised kills by the commandos. Just like shooting sitting ducks at a fairground these hapless rebels run out into the Death Raiders gun sights, like multiple swim teams, soon drowning in their own blood !.

Heavy artillery support brings wanton annihilation to multiples of straw huts, enveloped in explosive flames, and the destruction of innocent trees alike. An all out war that brings proceedings to a welcome Action ending.

Movie Rating: 4/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Japanese NTSC VHS

Death Raiders (1984)
Director Segundo Ramos
With Johnny Wilson, George Pallance, George Estragan,
Ramon Zamora, Robert Lee, June Ariston,

Rodolfo Boy Garcia, Renato del Prado, Joel Alano,

Raquel Montesa & Nina Sarah

Great Scot I Cannot Believe It Captain

Captains Blog Stardate 2010

Stellar AWARDS

What a totally unexpected, yet wonderful, way to start the new year. Recognition from two extremely decent and talented fellow Bloggers. Thank you guys ...

I have fellow Movie Buff extraordinaire Hans A. from the hip hop happenin' Quiet Cool http://thisisquietcool.blogspot.com/ to Thank for his very generous nomination of the Kreativ Blogger Award

I also, equally have to thank, for the One Lovely Blog Award, Carl from the super movie horror haven highway of informative entertainment that is ILHM

http://i-like-horror-movies.blogspot.com/

Now, in receiving these great accolades from Blogging peers there is a code of etiquette that quite properly requires the recipients adherence. The Rules are as follows:

1. Thank the person who nominated you for the award

2. Copy the logo and place it on your Blog

3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award

4. Name seven things about yourself that you think people might find interesting

5. Nominate seven Kreativ Bloggers

6. Post links to the seven Blogs you nominate

7. Leave a comment on each of the Blogs letting them know they have been nominated

Being fairly new to the wonderful world of Blogging, and not wishing to just nominate for the sake of totting up to the designated number of seven chosen recipients, I respectfully designate my chosen deserving Award nominations to Five deserving Blogs.

1. Mr. David Zuzelo at http://david-z.blogspot.com/ Tomb It May Concern is one of the cornerstones of Euro Film sharing and Comic Book goodness that any like minded fan could wish for. I have known David for around ten years now and he is without question my brother from another mother. A more deserving recipient of recognition through a humble Award I could not imagine.

2. Of course Carl at ILHM http://i-like-horror.movies.blogspot.com/ Such a Fun stop over for bullet note tidbits of movie goodness, reviews. A great guy who embraces life to the fullest and gives back what he learns from life to any that frolic at his font of filimic frippery.

3. Jack over at his Euro bunker of all things Eighties Action and Asian extreme En legemorder ser telbage aka Reflections Of A Hitman http://enlegemordersertelbage.blogspot.com/ who just so happens to also have a very Cool Vietnam / Filipino Jungle War Action Blog that hits the detonator with a mighty welcome bang When The Vietnam War Raged ... In The Philippines over at http://trashy-filipino-war-movies.blogspot.com/

4. Fred over at Ninja Dixon http://ninjadixon.blogspot.com/ Fred is a fellow lover of movies, particularly currently it seems of the Asian scene, with the movie making imergent Thailand top of his viewing agenda. Fred has always been a little unsure of himself when writing in English. Not his native tongue, so even more deserving of an Award for delivering an English written Blog with regular updates and a Fun spin on rare and evocative movies from around the globe.

5. This Is Quiet Cool's Hans A. at http://thisisquietcool.blogspot.com/ one of my now Must stop by Blog's. What have I been missing right under my nose !?.

Thank you & Congratulations to all the above

Now, to unearth seven things about myself that folk may find interesting !

One of those awkward things but let's give it a shot.

1. One of the first on line movie related sites that I visited back in late 1999, that is still going today !, was Sex Gore Mutants http://www.sexgoremutants.co.uk/ Go SGM.

2. The two most rewatched movies I have seen are Zombie Flesheaters and Star Wars. Now how diverse is that !?.

3. Amongst my first rated 'X' movies I snuck in to see at the big screen theatre before the age of eighteen were Wes Craven's original The Hills Have Eyes, Zombie Flesheaters & Ruggero Deodato's Cannibal aka The Last Cannibal World.

4. I have a passion for the Eighties Euro Action flicks but in general I really do just love the movies. Pretty much any movie I will / have watched.

5. I have an unscratchable itch for the stoopid flicks of both Steven Seagal & Jean Claude Van Damme. So shoot me !.

6. I have written two screenplays for amateur movie making associates that were made into films.

7. Bruno Mattei aka Vincent Dawn puts a smile on my face & entertains me with pretty much anythings he ever made. God Bless you Bruno.

Thank you both Carl and Hans A. for your very kind gestures in presenting me with my very first peer recognitions for this inceptive little Blog that is Ballistic Blood Bullets. I hope that I can continue to build upon the film foundation that makes the Blogging / sharing experience a Fun one. Thank you guys, and Thank you all who have stopped by. Looking forward to the year ahead and uncovering & rediscovering movies old and new alike to share.

To All A Happy & Healthy 2010

Room At The Asylum For ...

Princess Of Mars

(2009/USA)

‘‘What is wrong with you Tharks ?. Don’t you guys have reality TV !?’’

Be prepared to be transported to a fantastical distant world, where the landscape is a vista of rock and sand. A desert whose oasis is watered with weird and hostile creatures. U.S Special Forces operative John Carter (Antonio Sabato Jnr) has an enforced leave ticket to this strange world known as Mars 216. A small orbiting world to the fourth planet from the sun in the Alpha Centari quadrant. There’s no space travel to undertake, just a small matter of uploading his life force matrix to a memory stick, and then downloading his very being to be reconstituted in human form on Mars !. When you sign up with the U.S Army you don’t expect the small print to allow for a gig like this !.

Near fatally injured in combat John Carter is pretty much given a no choice scenario of die or sign up for the militaries experimental covert operation. Some kind of inter dimensional displacement programme. Carter Loses consciousness, only to reawaken in a strange new land. A place that is environmentally desolate and devoid of vegetation. A world where John Carter is reborn, with the abilities of a super man !. Like Kal-El leaving his home planet of Krypton as an equal amongst his people, to arrive upon Earth as a supreme being from an Alien world. Carter is able to leap and bound to great heights and distances. His strength is greatly multiplied, and his naked torso is a butt beacon for the resident Tharks, indigenous to Mars.

Carter is taken prisoner by Thark military commander Tars Tarkas, and is soon put to a trial of survival. Pitted against a giant oversized ant like creature, Carter quickly puts his new found super skills into Action. Like stepping into a late night showing of Them (1954) Carter and the Tharks are soon taken totally by surprise by the arrival on scene of a multitude of marauding monster ant alienoids, mandibles on munch mode !. Rather than easily bound away to a vantage of safety Carter stays and fights alongside the Tharks, gaining their respect and the hand of friendship of Tars Tarkas.

Carter is introduced to some of the Tharks ways, including the basic requirements of water and food, with some quirkily barf inducing introductions. The language barrier issue is overcome by Carter ingesting a live bug called a Jubilee Beetle. The beneficial qualities being that its own enzymes enables speech patterns to conjoin, tasting like crap but they help you speak with your mouth full, and so John Carter is up specked to conversing in, and understanding Thark.

Mars is a planet made up of two separate Alien factions. The Tharks and the humanoids. The Tharks are of human build, with atypically two arms and two legs, but also a scaly skin texture and tusk like mandibles like a Predator. The humanoids are the planet Mars’ equivalent of Earths human race. Their royal benefactor is Dejah Thoris (Traci Lords), Princess of Mars !. The Tharks bare malice against the Humanoids, believing that their status of superior beings is self imposed, and that they are not as benevolent as they portray themselves to be. The planets oxygen supply is provided by a huge power station that purifies and pumps the essential air supply around the globe. It was created by and is maintained by the Humanoids, and has been in place for centuries. Without it the planets entire air breathing populace would die. The Thark hierarchy believe this is simply propaganda to keep them subjugated, and keep the Humanoids in power.

It is not, however, the Thark insurgence that threatens a disharmonious challenge to the validity of the pumping station, but that of another human from Earth !.

On his home world John Carter’s special ops missions regularly brought him up against a particularly virulent nemesis named Sarka. Unbeknownst to Carter his nemesis has somehow followed him through the inter world displacement vortex. Sarka is reborn as Sab Than, intent on becoming supreme ruler of Mars by closing down the pumping facility, only to miraculously restart it, giving life saving air to those that he believes will worship him as a Messiah.

Thark commander Tars Tarkas is forced into deciding what is best for his people as his own great leader strips him of position for befriending John Carter, and siding with Princess Dejah Thoris. John Carter fights to stand up for both Tars Tarkas and Dejah Thoris, and their entwined adventure plays out with a fair deal of enjoy ability.

The design team, matte artists and creature effects people do a creditable job in adding to the suitably barren countenance of the planets desolate landscape. Biped cross variants of the camel and ostrich provide an alien mode of transport. The ant like monstrosities are super animated into the live Action proceedings with an old school Ray Harryhausen inspiration, as are the spider like flying creatures that attack under cover of night. Winged beasts with multiple legs and a taste for flesh, dispensed of by John Carter and Tars Tarkas with designer alien rifles, shooting them out of the air with a splurge of green blood.

A Fun comic book styled Sci Fi Adventure movie matinee flick, Princess Of Mars is ‘B’ movie budgeted entertainment done well by the production stable that is The Asylum. There’s a familiar old school kitsch Sci-Fi charm on display, reminiscent of the original series Star Trek. With some familiar landscapes to behold casual viewers could be forgiven for thinking that they had jumped in on a double episode of the classic TV show. Star Antonio Sabato Jnr stands up well in the lead role of John Carter. A creditable performance as Earths gladiator on Mars. Traci Lords is still looking pretty good having now passed forty, dignified with a meatier part that she doesn’t suck at !.

Princess Of Mars is a pretty good entrée into the world created by Edgar Rice Burroughs. Perhaps The Asylum will follow this up with further tales from the series, to enticingly tide its audience over until the highly anticipated, mega budgeted, Disney Studios colossus, John Carter Of Mars hit’s the multiplexes in 2012 !?.


Movie Rating: 5/10

Review Paul Cooke / Source Region 1 NTSC DVD

Princess Of Mars (2009)
Director Mark Atkins
With Antonio Sabato Jnr, Traci Lords,
Matt Lasky, Chacko Vardakas & Mitchell Gordon

Seeking Asylum

Welcome To The Asylum

2010

The Xeroxide Blonde Bombshell of 'B' movie bliss productions, The Asylum, is about to unleash a plethora of videomatic marvelousness upon the planet in 2010. A wet fish slap in the face of Hollywood, and a welcome kick to the nut sack of political incorrectness not seen in over two decades. Taking the blueprint of 'A' list Action flicks and deftly designer draping their cinematic kissin' cousins, often before Elvis has even left the blockbuster building !.

A breath of brash yet bold tongue in cheek cheekiness that cannot help but bring entertainment to the masses at a fraction of the cost, and with ever improving delight in the quality of the productions on offer.

Having revelled in the counterparts of I Am Legend and Snakes On A Plane, with The Asylum's interpretations as, I Am Omega & Snakes On A Train, other delights such as Monster, their take on the brilliant Cloverfield, and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes are awaited with excited glee.

Okay, along the way movies such as Mega Shark Vs Giant Octopus and particulary Death Racers, oh dear lord !, push even the audacious boundaries of 'B' moviedom to the barest extremes of watchability. Still, there is pretty much always something Fun to find within these low budget flicks, and for that we applaud you, The Asylum.

Even Indiana Jones isn't safe from the 'B' movie make over as the fictional Allan Quartermain is resurrected in The Asylum's adventure, Allan Quatermain And The Temple Of Skulls. That of course isn't the only short round they intend to spar, as early 2010 sees The Asylum's take on Sherlock Holmes hounds the big budgeted baskerville from Guy Ritchie, as if Madona hadn't already taken a big chunk out of his ass with Swept Away !. It's schlock, stock and two smoking 'B' barrels into the butt of tinsel town, as The Asylum sees the new year in with the resolution to Entertain.


Looking ahead with mouth watering fantasy flicks Princess Of Mars, which seems to follow John Carter, prior to the character heading up the likely two hundred million dollar plus production in the making of John Carter Of Mars !?. The paranormal home invasion take on 2009's surprise box office hit Paranormal Activity comes in the guise of Paranormal Entity.
The exciting prospect of a Western revival on the new decades horizon comes care of The Asylum with 6 Guns. A 'Sure Fire' holster bolster hit in the making as The Asylum continue to build their entertainment empire, all guns a blazing.

The Asylum movies rumour mill is of two potential 'B' movie blockbusters on the horizon. Pin your eyelids open and glue your eyes to The Asylum website for future news, and highly anticipated confirmatory word on the makings of ... Mega Piranha and 7 Voyages Of Sinbad. Long live the Faux Flicks and long reign The Asylum.

For more goodness and all the updated news on releases from The Asylum, drop by their site and revel in the 'B' movie goodness that is, and is to be:

http://www.theasylum.cc/

Thomas 'Tinsel' Tang Treat

Ninja Condors

aka Ninja Condors 13

(1987/Hong Kong)

‘‘I’ll carve your ambitions on your tombstone’’

Filmark hit the ninja trail running full on like a quarter back in complete body kit, readied for the fray and prepared to get bruised. It’s Miller time folks, and this one goes down a treat. A Tomas Tang production that saves ten dollars on leaving the ‘H’ out of his name in the credits, to allow for a cut and paste free movie all of its own with the reinvested proceeds . Yes indeed, Ninja Condors is an entire film from start to glorious finish, and rendered to DVD in super Ninja wide screen vision with welcome relish. There’s no need for Richard Harrison to parade here with a head band decal stating Ninja, it’s clear what’s on offer and the Action show reels deliver the goods like Santa on smack.

Alexander Lou is Brian, who as a young boy witnesses the killing of his father in barbaric fashion. Hunted down, by the henchmen of a regional gang boss, he is tied and bound, stretched out by his four limbs, attached to revving motorcycles, and then ripped apart as the bikes tear off in different directions. Brian is left alone, but with a burning rage building within him as he grows into man hood, to take revenge upon his fathers murderers !.

Along with another youth Brian is raised in the ways of martial arts and the path of the Ninja, by a kindly master. Blinded by his desire to take revenge Brian falls in with an organisation that is steadily culling the region of its gangland tyranny, by replacing it with its own !. Now a man and honed in the skills of the Ninja Brian is known as White Eagle, and those that took his father from him are swooped down upon in remorseless retribution.

As the organisation garners absolute power, distributing its blades of death upon the drug cartels, prostitution racketeers, and gambling iniquities, with a lethal deftness attributable to the way of the Ninja, Brian questions his own path taken. When innocent bystanders and children are caught up in the distribution of death to those that are truly deserving he knows that the organisation has become as callous as those that it set out to bring down. Power has corrupted the head of the organisation, the one that Brian grew up with under the tutelage of the master, a man now calling himself Lucifer !.

When expected to kill a police officer who helped him when his father was slain, and his pregnant wife, Brian is compromised and his inner conflict prevails to the code of the Ninja. He rebels against the organisation, putting himself top of Lucifer’s list of priorities to deal with. The White Eagle goes in search of his master, and Lucifer’s Ninja follow in pursuit, ordered to kill !.

Brian runs into a larger than life, solid rock of a fighting man, at a bar. A big black dude named Eddie, who introduces himself by picking a fight with everyone in the bar and involving Brian to help him out. Eddie sticks around, even though Brian wants to journey alone, but with a path constantly beset by aggressive Ninjas looking to clip the White Eagles wings, Eddie’s groove grows on him. Together they play off each other like born brothers at arms, dishing out fist sandwiches with relish and whooping up a storm of Ninja magical mist to take out all that foolishly throw themselves at them. They are like the clones of Bruce Lee and Fred Williamson, brought together to beat down the bad guys and put the righteous brothas back where they belong.

With black garbed Ninjas springing out at them from everywhere, like Cato surprising Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther films, the rinky dink duo break bones, snap spines and spike heads in retaliation. There’s more Ninja nuttiness on display than a schizoid squirrel hoarding Snickers bars for winter. It’s tree flying, gravity defying, Ninja wizardry, vanishing into thin air following a puffing plume of multi coloured smoke, lethal steel star throwing acrobatics, and the deft dance of White Ninja Vs Black Ninja, swords of death style !.

Set piece scene stealers include a boat yard Ninja ho down and a Ninja duel on ice at a rink. Even though the movie manically jumps about like a leopard in a leotard, for shear entertainment value Ninja Condors knocks the spots off most Western made kung fu capers paws down.

The final showdown is a bring the house down classic as White Eagle squares off against Lucifer in one Hell of a round house Ninja riot. Brian and Eddie storm Lucifer’s stronghold hellacious coastal haven. Pop your corn and let your lady lick the lolly as the excitement value goes off the chart, Ninjaculation style. John Woo would be proud of the body count, and sheer amount of explosive Action on display at the finale, as the bullets fly and the grenades get launched. Blade upon blade sets the sparks flying, and a rapturous reality shift rounds proceedings off as sheer Ninja nonsense comes gleefully into play. For fruit loop frolics just add movie milk and Ninja nitrous to this scrumptious bowl of Ninja Condor goodness. This Tomas Tang treat tastes so very good.

Review Paul Cooke / Source Pal Region 2 DVD

Ninja Condors (1987)
Director James Wu
With Alexander Lou, Stuart Hugh, Eugene Thomas,
Timothy Johnson, Richard Phillips, Edward Douglas,
Mary Johnson, Mick Murray & Jay Forster